being self led
This past year a client said to me, "I want to team up with you but I'm not going through a relationship separation; it's actually a work situation. I want to make a change in how I behave in this work dynamic. I want to divorce myself from how we've done things before, and specifically, I want to put distance between myself and a high conflict colleague, but I don't want alienation in the process."
He had just taken on a leadership role in a newly formalized academic department, one which put the value of social justice at the top. The client and I went on to meet for about six months and I saw him through an exciting period as he determined and defined the behavior that he thought would best suit the role. Although there was a different topic for each session, the overarching focus was on him finding confidence and clarity with his choices and presentation. He wanted to be worthy of the leadership role, and he wanted to be internally comfortable, in order to be externally accepted.
We took a holistic approach to his role shift, addressing not only how he took care of his body, for example, in order to sustain the kind of energy he would need, but what kind of language he would use to communicate and how he would plan department meetings, to best model the department's vision and values; and we would regularly step into a long term perspective shift, in order to be comfortable with imminent and difficult tasks or directives he wanted to enact.
Working in partnership, we mapped out a path that brought him to where he wanted to go and while doing that, he was developing the trust in himself necessary for substantive growth.
The crucible of divorce is one example of intense adjustment. But we are regularly given other opportunities to re-assess and to regenerate. Whether our learning and growth cycles are made under duress or are a voluntary shift, the coaching I offer guides you through the process with intentionality and care. I am committed to creating a secure and connected setting with my clients so that they can be self led. When we are self led, we have access to solutions and to next right actions.
I’ve taken the term self led from my own personal work with Internal Family Systems, which posits that each of us is made up of multiple parts and roles that have their own methods for looking after us. While these protective or adaptive parts may have been necessary for us at certain times in our lives, it’s quite possible that their methods are no longer serving us. These parts can work overtime. And one way to identify if we are merged, or blended with a part is to note whether or not our behavior feels reactive rather than responsive. If it’s reactive, we are most likely deep within one of our parts. When we are in ‘the zone’, things come together and flow. It doesn’t mean life is perfect, it just means that we understand that we can handle what comes our way; that we have the patience, energy, and compassion to be present and put one foot in front of the other.
If we look back at times in our life when we felt really good about ourselves, when we showed up to the best of our ability and with a level of confidence, even if it wasn’t a familiar undertaking, that’s a window into what being self led feels like.
